On being pregnant and unemployed
AKA: The actual first post I wanted to write
Losing my job at 23 weeks pregnant is, frankly, one of the most terrifying things to happen to date, and it’s the thing that consumes most of my thoughts and energy at this point. It’s the true catalyst that made me want to start this Substack to begin with and is the biggest unknown in my life at this point. It’s been an emotional time for me, and I’m continuously ebbing and flowing between feelings of fear and excitement, knowing that some aspects of my life (unemployment) are very much not ideal right now while others (pregnancy/the journey to parenthood) are exactly where I want them to be.
I found out I’d been furloughed from my job as a Product Manager at a very early-stage startup in Mid-March, an hour before I had my last appointment for my anatomy scan (which took three visits, mostly because of an uncooperative baby-to-be). I’d just gotten back from a two-week trip to Brazil a few days prior, where I worked part-time because I was told it would be bad optics if I were to take a full two weeks off at such an important time for the company. Which was fine, I went to the beach in the early morning before my co-workers were online, worked a bit throughout the day, and was able to meet up with my family (who I hadn’t seen in almost 5 years) in the evenings. So even though I’m a little bitter now, it was all in all a wonderful trip.
Losing this job, both at that time and in hindsight, was well within the realm of possibilities, so I can’t say the news was shocking—a few minutes of scrolling on LinkedIn shows that layoffs in tech are the norm these days for companies of all sizes—but it was definitely tough to swallow. Just over a year ago, I found myself part of the first big group layoffs at Peloton, where I was one of almost 3,000 impacted.
That was different, though. The first time I was laid off, it was at a time when layoffs were common, but not as rampant. I had a brand name behind me, a decent severance package, and a huge cohort of people in the same boat. My email and LinkedIn inboxes were exploding with interview requests, and I felt like I could be picky (I was picky, or so I thought).
This time around, while there is a sliver of hope my job might be waiting for me at the end of this, there’s no severance. There’s no company notoriety behind me and no exploding inboxes but there are hundreds of thousands of other people who’ve been laid off in the last year, many of whom are still looking for work. This time around, I’m 6 months pregnant and am scrambling to secure a decent job with maternity leave (truly, my two main requirements right now).
This time around I’m also, somehow, less afraid and more sure of the fact that good things are coming. Because despite the obvious scary feelings that come with being unemployed at this time, I’ve never felt more sure or more ready for a life change (welcoming this kid into the world, the thing that truly matters right now). Even though this timing sucks, I still know it’s the right timing. I’m healthy, the baby is healthy, we have our needs met, and it will all be okay. Not ideal, and maybe not what I envisioned, but it’ll be okay.
I found out I was being furloughed on a team call at 2:30 pm, and at 4 pm I was due at the doctor’s office for the third visit to finish up my anatomy scan. For people who haven’t been pregnant/supported pregnant people before, the anatomy scan usually happens around 20 weeks, and they’ll take measurements of various parts of the baby’s body to make sure everything is looking good and we’re measuring where we want to be. This typically happens in one visit, but our baby (who I’ll refer to from here on out at ‘Seamus’, which is their name in-utero and stems from a dumb joke my husband kept making very early on) was being shy—we couldn’t see everything we needed, and this last appointment was to specifically get measurements of their heart.
I was nervous going into it, mostly because I just wanted to know everything was looking good (so far, it had been, but I just wanted that all clear). At our last appointment 3 weeks prior, we also found out my placenta was partially covering my cervix, which is something that typically remedies itself in due time but if it doesn’t can make giving birth really complicated.
This appointment was honestly perfect—the ultrasound tech got every measurement she needed and also noted that my placenta had moved to exactly where they wanted it to be. Good news all around! I left that appointment feeling elated over the news and excited for what was to come, while also feeling numb and scared about not having a job during this time.
The juxtaposition of these two events happening so close in time to each other—the call alerting my team and me that we’d been let go, and the super positive doctor’s appointment—encompasses a lot of what I’m feeling right now. The concept of duality is strong. Something can be shitty but also really great at the same time. I can be worried about the future but also incredibly excited. Parts of life can totally suck and make me really sad while other parts can have me put me in the best of moods. I’ve been letting myself feel both sides fully and completely over the past few weeks, and I think it’s what has allowed me to be more sure that while the future is uncertain, it’s going to be okay.
I have more thoughts to share in the coming weeks, but for now, I take comfort in the fact that two things can be true. Things are scary right now are not fully playing out how I thought they would, but the future is also bright. Whatever is next, there’s a strange sense of ease surrounding me (and for that, I’m grateful).
Thanks for reading this far, and for being here. I’m looking forward to sharing more soon—for now, I’ve got an interview to prepare for!
Beautiful. Thank you for sharing - such a great reminder that things are often multi faceted and we can hold and honor all of it!